Regrets

Happy New Year 2014 all. Sorry it is late and this blog is getting dusty, and so is my deviantart, oh what the hell I am doing until now srsly.

So I will start my first post of 2014 with a rant. Haha when people start the year with some sort of resolutions, really…
Hmmm maybe just a thought, not a rant. Eh whatever. I feel this should be written on blog rather than twitter or facebook so only people want to read it , can see it. And hopefully , if there is people out there thinking the same way right now, thiw post can be helpful.

Just now, I inked my comic. So far it is 25pages inked and 37pages sketched. About 25pages more to go. My hands are full of ink.
Next to my desk is my computer desk, still on with photoshop software opened and there is commission , comic cover, etc.
And not to brag, since 2014 started I turned down quite many job offers because I feel I can’t do any more than these. Yet my friends have been chatting about how hard it is to get jobs these days and tried to manage their wage minimum to 4 million IDR (about 400usd) per month.

Then one sudden thought hit me hard.
What the hell have I been doing?
My friends have stable income — office jobs about 3-4million IDR per month and even manage to do some indie projects on their own. They have so many fanbase, many future awaits, preparing for some contests, they have network connections and perfect work plans. My little brother will soon graduate,work in a big company and aim for a big wage (good luck bro)
While me, doing a non-profitable comic project (well I sell them but the profit is so thin), doing commissions with snail speed, keep going of lame excuse like health issue and whatever, can’t work on office because I am a dropout, keep turning down job offers because keep reminded I cant force my body, and so on so on…

I feel miserable, at this age I still can’t do anything on my own. So depressing. Sure, money isn’t everything. But we need money for living.
And with these thoughts, I feel a bit of regret. It sounds like I am ungrateful for what I have become until now– I regret being “me”. A person who doesnt want to depend on anyone but can’t do anything on her own– how laughable! Even my little brother keep lecturing me on how I can keep going on like this. A person having a drawing skill that not many people have, some people say they envy me, but what is good about it if I can’t live with it ? With that drawing speed…I haven’t finished one single drawing this month! I promised my comic vol2 is released in january and it is still halfway, what the hell??

One and another thoughts keep reflected in my mind. Maybe I am too lazy? Procrastinating too much? What if I fasten my drawing speed? But what if the result is not maximum and the clients don’t like it? If I take some new jobs will my health degrade again? What about my comic? Maybe it is useless to keep working on it? I want to be a person that is responsible of myself. My family have offered me some solutions to start being entrepreneurship but how can I have new job when I cant even take job offers right now!

I regret being like this. Regretting being a small-wage illustrator, being a non profitable comic author, being a sick person.
I kept regretting. Feel like my passion slowly died out. With my hand and maru pen inking page 27, I feel so depressed.
Then, you know, someone say this in my head. For real:

“How dare you.”

I am so surprised. I stopped inking for a while. Not long after that, it started raining.
..well it has no connection, but I have goosebumps. I immediately regret of “regretting things”.
I can’t fix what past have become.
Worrying won’t help anything.
Time always goes on, no matter how useless I am and how long I rant about it. And I realize if I keep regretting , soon it will turn into fear and I won’t move. Forever.
And after that, I keep working till 11 PM.

Thus, my rant ended. Hopefully I won’t rant again for a long time.
So, after all this, I hope 2014 will make me to be a better person, better illustrator, better comic author.
Hope I can finish at least one commission before February comes.

– Mimi N